Diffuse 5 ? Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, Queer (LBTQ) Online Community
? Previous ? | ? February 6, 2012
We?ve had a few heated discussions with friends lately about sex toy etiquette. Is there a queer code of conduct? What does one do with ?old? sex toys? You know, the ones you bought during that last relationship?or before it?or after it?or really just about any time you were not seeing the person you?re sleeping with now. We?re not talking about hastily purchased battery-operated bullet vibrators that are often easy to replace, misplace or otherwise discard. When we ask about the decorum of reusing, we?re talking about those hardy (and expensive) glass dildos, harnesses, silicone butt plugs, pack-n-play, ?the list goes on. ? Is it squicky to reuse sex toys with a new lover??? A thread on a MeFi includes opinions ranging from homo to hetero and all sorts of gender identities:
?My boyfriend had some props and toys that he?d used with a former lover, and even though I knew it was silly, it bothered me. I felt like those things had memories attached to them, of that other woman, so we threw them out and got new ones just for us.?
?My toys come with me from partner to partner, just as my partners? toys have stayed with them. I?ll be honest that I?ve definitely paused before using a toy with someone new that was a favorite with someone else, but I have yet to retire a toy completely (the one exception is a toy that my ex gave me to use on her, and that somehow got lost when I moved but that I couldn?t have imagined using with someone else anyway). Often, when I?m dating someone new, I do buy a new toy or two that seems particularly appropriate to her tastes ? but I don?t totally phase out the old. Hence, I have a foolishly oversized toy collection given my currently single state.?
?When ?toys? equal harness, dildos, butt plugs, etc. they go from relationship to relationship. When ?toys? equals something like a collar? ditch it?.If you care enough to invest in some high quality gear then you should feel confident in saying ?this X is about me and how I navigate my sexuality? and allow your partner to make room for that?.?
Lipstick & Dipstick, a duo of butch/femme advice columnists for Curve,? weigh in as well. Check out what they have to say in the video: Your Old Bag of Tricks and Dicks.? Lipstick & Dipstick debate within the context of monogamy, chivalry and a little cheesiness, but regardless of your relationship style they outline many of the arguments we?ve heard from both sides (yay vs. nay) of this loaded issue: should one re-use sex toys? Lipstick says that recycling is a no-no due to ?vaginal voodoo? meaning the negative energy that comes from a relationship gone wrong, but Dipstick makes a good case for deeper consideration that includes many of the points we?ll be touching on in this post. (OK, we?re done with the puns?for now.)
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Not-so-Finicky Femme: ?First of all, get rid of ?all those? pictures of exes strewn about the house. Don?t rub anyone?s face ? whether Ms. Right or Ms. Tonight ? in where you?ve been. It?s tacky. Discussing previous relationships is definitely healthy when you?re working on a long term commitment, but that doesn?t mean you should bask in your past. But back to Lipstick?s point. Why is this ?vaginal voodoo? only important when having sex with your new lover-for-life? In the video, Lipstick implies that the bad energy does not matter when using a sex toy on yourself or even with a one night stand. And what happens when that one night stand turns into the girlfriend (which, let?s admit, isn?t sooooo farfetched in queer circles)? Pick up a new toy before you guys have sex!? Like, ever!? How is that even possible? These rules are too complicated!!! Although I may not agree with all of Dipstick?s points, I am with her on this one. And for the record, we titled this blog post before we saw this video.?
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Benevolent Butch: ?Here?s one place that I think Not-so-Finicky Femme and I wholeheartedly agree. We?ve been doing some research. A lot of bloggers point out that Dan Savage (the Godfather of Sex Advice, as far as I?m concerned) is clear that re-using toys (especially in lesbian relationships) is a total faux pas.? But I would like to point out that it?s actually Claire Cavanah, the cofounder of Babeland, that believes ?A lesbian couple?s dildos become suffused with the energy of the sex in the relationship, and end up symbolizing the sexual connection the poor doomed couple had. They belong to the relationship?, which Dan equates to ?dyke-ass mumbo jumbo?. I think deferring to Claire?s judgment on this one was a cop-out Dan, but I can?t say I totally disagree with his assessment of her recommendation to ditch the dildo. Claire does own a sex toy empire after all, so new purchases mean new business. I?m sure she does strive to give good advice and this is a tough question to tackle, but I absolutely disagree with the generalization of her assessment. My toys are my toys. They do not belong to a relationship. I mean, at least that?s how I feel about my own strap-on. I invested a lot of personal time and energy into selecting my bedfellow. If I had an emotional attachment to it that came from my previous relationship or if my girlfriend had really strong feelings about it, sure I would consider a replacement. But I don?t think that should be the norm.?
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Not-so-Finicky Femme: ?It?s not an easy decision for everyone. For example, one blogger I came across (Christine Garvin) was clearly torn. She went on to point out that ?no matter how much you clean a sex toy, you can?t scrub off the energy of the other person you used it with.? Now I have some strong beliefs about energy. While there are ways of cleansing items of old energy, if you connect a toy with an old relationship, rather than with your own sexuality, ditch it. If it is a personal item, like Benevolent Butch?s strap on, (meaning it is ?yours?, not ?both of yours?, and you own it, both physically and energetically) keep it. But even if it is something that you feel is yours in that way, it is still a great idea to energetically cleanse it after a relationship ends. This could entail a formal cleansing based on your religious/spiritual tradition and beliefs, or simply a really good, thorough physical cleansing, coupled (Sorry, no more puns, I forgot.) with the intent to remove the old energy and perhaps prepare it for someone new or for yourself. For the sake of comparison, back when I was sleeping with men, none of them ever offered to buy a new penis at the start of each new relationship. I did, however, insist that they wash said penis after taking it out of said ex?s vagina, and before putting it into mine. Again, I?ll repeat, condoms are a great (and important) way to supplement this type of caution with both penises and dildos.?
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Benevolent Butch: ?Speaking of the blogs, Em & Lo have some very strong feelings about re-gifting sex toys.? That?s right, they call it re-gifting. My dick is a gift to you. Seriously, *gag*! But as far as Em & Lo are concerned, re-using (aka ?re-gifting?) is ?just plain disrespectful (and kinda gross)?Who wants a toy that?s been manhandled, possibly dropped on the floor, or even licked by your dog?? OMG!! If your sex toy has been licked by your dog, you have bigger problems. CLEAN YOUR ROOM! And then clean your sex toys. And if you don?t trust someone to keep their toys clean, don?t use sex toys with that person. Em & Lo go on to claim that strapping on old faithful is akin to re-playing a sex tape from your last failed relationship (who makes tapes anymore??), but as Not-so-Finicky Femme and I have pointed out ? not all sex toys are selected based on who you?re fucking.?
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Not-so-Finicky Femme: ?Yes. Benevolent Bush- I mean, Benevolent Butch is right. Clean your sex toys. Always. This is a requirement!! If you want to reduce the risk of infection and STIs, do your research based on the material, shape and mechanical components used in the toys you and your partner(s) own. If it?s rubber, toss it unless everyone who has or will use the toy is fluid bonded. Even then, it?s best to use condoms to be sanitary. Silicone is a great non-porous material, but any breaks in the surface can harbor infection. A crack in your silicone doesn?t mean you have to throw the toy away, but be sure to use a condom every time. Glass and metal toys reduce the hazard of trapped bacteria, offer some cheaper alternatives to silicone and expand your lube options, but a crack in the glass can mean bigger problems. If your glass toy shows any signs of distress, stop using it immediately or you risk a major break during sex. Glass also has no additives, no allergens and no chemical residues so it?s considered a green option. No word on whether you CAN throw that in the regular old recycle bin, but it?d be interesting to find out. High quality glass can also be used for erotic hot/cold play (which I quite like) by freezing (yes, please!) or boiling the material. Brown University has a guide to selecting and maintaining your toys that rocks my world. You can also find some in-depth instruction at Babeland.?
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Benevolent Butch: ?I would also like to add a more personal tangent to this discussion. It?s driving me CRAZY that just about all of the opinions we?ve reviewed put the onus on the butch to own/purchase said sex toys. They also place a lot of emphasis on ?being polite? like the answer to this question is all about femme comfort and pleasure. WTF? I love to play around with chivalry, but I don?t think this should become an expectation from our community. And what about when there isn?t a butch in the relationship? Or two butches?? Is anyone getting a new vag between relationships? Whether you wear a tie or a skirt, it is not specifically your responsibility to navigate proper sex toy exploration within a relationship on your own. Look at how much insight Not-so-Finicky Femme had on toy selection. She definitely taught me a thing or two. This just goes to show that any answer to this question really comes down to a very personal decision ? for you, your partner (or partners) and the relationship (or relationships). We?ve already over-thought the whole thing WAY too much here in an effort to highlight most of the variables to consider. Take a deep breath and just figure out how YOU feel. Find out how your partner feels regardless of your gender roles. Does she have triggers that may affect her level of comfort? Do you feel like your sex toys are an extension of you and your sexuality? Is she offering to replace your toy with a brand-new equivalent model? Maybe that?s a fair compromise.?
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Not-so-Finicky Femme: ?Some type of discussion is definitely warranted. You may not want to come right out and say hey baby, mind if I bang you with my used Njoy Fun Wand. However, feeling out your partner?s feelings, concerns and boundaries around any and all sexual activity is generally very helpful. One MeFi thread commenter had suggested ?When feasible, always keep the original packaging. Then you can unbox with your new partners. Problem solved.? Really?! Now that?s just terrible. If the relationship is more serious than a one-night stand, then hopefully you?ve been working on building trust. Talk about violating it!!! It?s one thing to leave things up to your house guest?s imagination, but don?t start intentionally deceiving people and don?t assume your new flame is going to have an issue with your treasure chest. She may be relieved that she doesn?t have to start you off with training wheels. If you do decide out with the old and in with the new, check out Treehugger.com, SexToyRecycling.com or these tips for recycling all sorts of tricky items. After all, you can?t just toss your strap-on into the plastics bin. You can even get new post-consumer toys from some of these places??
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Benevolent Butch: ? ?But that?s not going to help with ?vaginal voodoo? because now nobody knows where that silicone has been. For some creative and kinky butch reviews, visit The Surgarbutch Chronicles and stay tuned for some more insight from Between Her Sheets.?
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How would you feel if your suitor pulled out a sex toy of unknown origin? Would you be wondering where she got the toy?how long she?s had it?where it has been? What about your own toys? Would you part ways for a romp in the hay?
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The writers:
Keira (aka Not-so-Finicky Femme) is a totally awesome righteous femme, who?s never sure how comfortable she feels identifying as femme. She likes Converse All-Stars, PBR, The Beer Hoodie, and sex with hot girls. People still think she?s straight sometimes anyway. Weird.
Sam (aka Benevolent Butch) identifies as genderqueer, but finds herself interpreted as and speaking from a butch perspective on the regular. One weekend, a fellow Diffuse 5-er exclaimed that Sam just HAD to be at the local female ? transsexual / transgender / intersex / genderqueer? friendly ? kinkster / BDSM / fetish demo. You know, just your typical Sunday Funday afternoon. Swoon. Sam suddenly realized? or maybe just finally embraced the fact that she?s pretty much always looking for any excuse to talk about sex. And an idea was born.
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